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Gay men can't often have anal sex spontaneously, and "top" or "bottom" is not a permanent state that says something about your personality or gender role in a relationship. He said that it tends to put gay men who identify as more feminine or submissive "in a category where they lack power and are seen as weaker. This culture of openness often extends to relationships. Douching is a simple way to reduce anxiety during sex. Otherwise, he said, anal sex can be painful. Or maybe it's because gay sex that does leach into popular media tends to misrepresent typical sexual encounters — often to an embarrassing extent. Maybe that's because sex between men or women, for that matter is still all but absent from mainstream media.

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The idea that all sex means anal sex, they said, comes from applying heteronormative structures to gay relationships.

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It's oftentimes a calculated decision. Otherwise, he said, anal sex can be painful. Until more recently, gay men couldn't express themselves openly in public this is still a reality in many parts of the world and the US.

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